似懂非懂

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我在自己的世界裡活著

偶爾到外面的世界看看
偶爾理解
偶爾看不太懂
有時懂和不懂似乎沒什麼兩樣
太半的時候﹐就算懂了也就那個樣

累積了種種似懂非懂的印象
我回到自己的世界裡繼續活著
就像我從來沒離開過
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千萬猶豫

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晴空萬里總不持久
心頭的猶豫總有起時
就像遠方的霧似無散盡之時
說是千萬
只因不斷
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推霧

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努力地呼吸
把眼前的霧吹遠
即便只是毫厘也好
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much a do about nothing

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You ask me why I’m vague. My answer is I don’t know. I know too little about anything to offer a satisfactory explanation, even if it were about myself.

How do you have an opinion when you don’t know what to think anymore?

This is a society of ‘whatever’; anything goes and everything hangs loose. How do you construct an argument (mostly for argument’s sake) from loose material and expect it to support itself. It may be possible but I do not have the courage to witness a very probable collapse for a very slim possibility of otherwise. You can call me a coward for lacking such courage, but at least give me some credit for being honest about it.

The little knowledge and life experience of my so-called life seem insufficient in extending my theorising capacity as I toy with my thoughts with hope of expanding them. So far without fail I confuse myself everytime I try to think things through. There has been not once when I succeeded in convincing myself about something. Limbo is where I end up almost always; never close enough to heaven to bask in its glory nor distant enough from hell to be safe against the scorching heat of its inferno. Somewhere in limbo and aware of the extremes, I have started to wonder why I bother at all for I have doubts about moving in any direction.

What good are directions when destinations are unknown? Why choose a destination when it will not matter in the end? If you are not going to get up and do what it is that you think about doing, then perhaps it’s better to not think about it at all. Again, perhaps I’ve fallen into another confusion of mine.

So please, don’t ask me questions that I cannot answer. You would save both you and me a great deal of time. And what would I do with the saved time? Nothing. I’d just idle it away in my solitude. At least, that is pure. There is purity in idleness so long it is unpolluted by discontent consideration of what could have been done and what could be done.

Some give such idleness a fancy name, they call it meditation. To me, it is just idleness, uncluttered by thoughts if possible.

It’s not even peace, it is just idleness as is.
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雜煩

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誰能喊停這喋喋不休地在腦中流轉的鼓譟

播放不完的回憶
百般沉長
千篇一律的無聊
萬分的無奈

開口無語
閉嘴前一聲嘆息

像是過份宣染的舊新聞
就一個字
雜

感覺也是一個字
煩
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我討厭閱讀能力測驗

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最近在網路上東看看西看看時﹐越來越常看到看了半天還看不懂的中文文章或一般貼文。這讓我想起我從小就討厭閱讀能力測驗﹔不是一般的討厭﹐像討厭考試那樣﹐而是非常非常地討厭﹗

因為我總覺得那一題題的問題像是思想陷阱﹐萬一我被其他的選擇‘誤導’成功﹐我不就陪上了我本來的認知﹖﹗(請注意﹐在‘本來的認知’和‘其他的選擇’之間﹐哪個才是對的其實我覺得有時是見仁見智。)

這麼多年後﹐我還是非常非常地討厭閱讀能力測驗。但是在網路上看到的很多文章常會讓我覺得厭煩﹐如果有人拿那些文章來考我閱讀能力測驗﹐我敢說我一定是考0分﹐因為我往往前後讀完後還搞不懂作者的意思。有時連字面上的意思都不懂﹐也不知道那字裡行間是不是另有語意。有時字裡行間的意思又與字面上的意思‘不同路’﹐卻又不像是諷刺﹐那到底哪個才是作者想說的﹖如果兩者都是作者想說的﹐那他是不是有點人格分裂﹐還是左右奉迎﹐以便日後可以見風轉舵﹖

太多的諷刺(還看過整篇就只有諷刺的)﹐隱喻﹐反諷﹐誇張的比喻或對比。這年頭好像很難看到平實的陳述手法。然而文字的最基本功用難道不是方便溝通嗎﹖如果連最基本的目的都達不到﹐繞來繞去的高級文章技巧又有何用﹖

不過﹐不懂如我的可能是少數。所以﹐我只好縮回自己的天地﹐在這裡敲打自己熟悉的鍵盤﹐發點自己看得懂的小牢騷。
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more and all

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when you bury your heart in the past
you tend to feel less of the present
if at all

for some reason you feel responsible for a self
that seems less than whole
you get on your feet to find find out more

when you start digging for what you left behind
you tend to find not just a skeleton or two
but a whole lot more

now looking at all the extra work you’ve uncovered
you realise moving forward is more than a chore

you wish you had been lazy to the core
so you’d never have to deal with it all
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just right or alright

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do we ever get it just right?
probably never.

we think too little when we should bang our heads more.
we think too much when we should care less and just let it go.
it’s either too much or too little, over or not enough,
too soon or too late.

where’s the balance?
balance is a target never reached.

how do you achieve balance?
you don’t but you must try nonetheless.

one day, you might get close enough,
and it’ll be alright.
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了解

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我對你的了解和不了解都在我的執著裡變得不可分辨﹔
我以為我了解的其實就是我對你的不了解﹐
我對你的不了解其實就是我了解你的所在。
這麼繞口令似的認知是一切無奈的根源﹐
再怎麼斬草也無法除根的無謂用心。
然而我卻難以持續我的抱怨﹐
腦海中的些許溫暖記憶是我小小的沉溺﹐
偶爾因此志短﹐無力斬麻﹐無心他圖。
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如果我能

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如果我能完全地忘掉自己﹐也許我就可以徹底地忘掉你。
如果我能完全地接收自己﹐也許我就可以不在乎一切選擇為你。
如果我能完全地忘掉自我﹐我想我便能聚集足夠的勇氣面對你。
如果我能完全地接收自我﹐我想我便有足夠的擔當面對選擇你的一切結果。
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big heart

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sometimes your heart swells up and you let it get bigger than your head,
then you let it take you for a spin without safety belts.

oh, boy! do you feel like throwing up afterwards or what!
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be frank

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if you’re not intending on helping all the way, then don’t pretend to be an all-promising caring soul.
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not enough

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you know you have enough
when you have some already and could do without more

when you have lost what you once had
and recovery unobtainable
the taste of what could have been
only stand to intensify
making everything else incomparable
and incomplete

unless you change your appetite
you’ll never have enough
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it happens

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he who walks alone
knows where he is going or not
either way he knows

he who walks with a crowd
likes to go where everyone is going
so long he is not alone

he who walks alongside others but consciously keeping his distance
often takes cover in a crowd to hide his loneliness
while getting used to solitude

he who walks alone
regardless if there is anyone around him has either
completely found himself or
completely lost himself;
either way not many would want to walk with him

sometimes being alone is something that just happens
so does loneliness
it happens
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within reason

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what the hell does that mean - within reason?

whose reasoning are we basing it on?

we often say things that create more ambiguity and confusion than had we said nothing.

“do you get what i mean?”

no, i don’t, and i’m not sure if i want to get what you mean, if it means screwing up what i think i have understood for myself.

if you’re not intending on helping, don’t pretend to be an eloquent caring soul.

show some respect for those who at least have the courtesy to distress in silence.
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